Shitting on the Ground & Touching up my Own Pedicure – a few nuggets from the road
I’ve been on the road for three full months now…living tiny with my two little frenchies watching every penny and drop of water as part of a personal study…
(Follow #outlawyogatour for the choice cuts)
We started down a well-beaten path through the midwest that wound through Denver all the way to the West Coast…from the ocean to the desert, here’s a few of the more poignant takeaways from our days on the road…
When in doubt – be ready to roll out
I’ve done a pretty good job minimizing the sketchy places I’ve parked overnight, but there have been a couple locals and people that have inspired me to keep my Glock within reach, and to be ready to roll off at a moment’s notice.
That’s the principal reason I bought a van instead of a cab over camper for my truck – so I could go right from the driver’s seat to where I sleep and vice-a-versa.
When ‘you never know’ happens, you don’t have time to get ready. You gotta be ready, always…which leads nicely into my next nugget…
After you use it, clean it
From dishes to art supplies, no matter what it is – clean it immediately after using it. Put it back and stow it.
When you’re living tiny, space is a prized commodity, and you notice little habits of disorganization that eat away at it quickly…turns out, there’s no such thing as ‘letting the dishes soak overnight’ in a van, unfortunately.
Shit on the ground in the wilderness whenever possible
You’ve heard the term ‘pop a squat’ before, haven’t you? A pejorative phrase for ‘dropping a deuce’ it harkens back to the days when humans squatted down like the rest of the animal kingdom to do their business…
Turns out that particular anatomical position is healthier, helps you void the contents of your bowels more completely, and leads to less wiping and fewer hemorrhoids (though, now that I type that I’m not at all sure how they empirically substantiate that particular claim)…do please make sure to pack out or burn your TP.
Not gonna be in the woods anytime soon? Buy a Squatty Potty…it gets pretty close to the real thing.
Water IS life
I have two 7-gallon fresh water tanks, and two 1-quart Nalgene bottles in the van…it takes 20 solid pumps with the foot pump to put a quart of water in a bottle…10 proper pumps to wash my hands and two good pumps to splash my face…
(so many jokes there…)
I make sure the dogs and I each drink a quart before any of us are allowed our first beer…
Having such a calculated connection to the water that flows into and around me has given me a true sense of it’s scarcity on this planet and its abundance in this country…for how much I use…how much I need…and how much we waste…
That said, when I get me and the dogs a hotel room I take the longest, hottest shower possible and play Friends in the background the entire time…
Listen, IF you’re gonna touch up your own pedicure all I’m gonna suggest is
Do it sober, during the day with the van door OPEN…unless you wanna live dangerously – then have a drink while you watch the sunset, shut the place up tight and slop away…
Either way, just be ready when someone says, “Awe, that’s cute – you let some little girl paint your toenails” to simply nod and say, “yup…that is cute.”
In either scenario it’s slightly better than just leaving them…sort of like showering after unprotected sex…it doesn’t really help, but it feels like it does…
If you live in a tight space – such as a van – then for fucks sakes be super careful you don’t fucking smudge them immediately after you finish them!!! And why not put on two layers of top-coat? You got somethin’ better to do on a Tuesday night?
In many places on this planet clean air is rare so enjoy it when and where you can
A day’s drive – or even a short walk – can make a monumental difference when it comes to the cleanliness of the air we breathe…
Besides what we already know about the carbon emissions our vehicles belch out and the negative impact it has on our global environment, microscopic metallic dust from the brake pads on cars are one of the most overlooked pollutants…
If you’re gonna go out of your way to practice your pranayama today, consider making a ten minute journey to secure cleaner inputs…
That’s what I got for now…good luck, Yogis!
Best,
JK
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Justin “Jud” Kaliszewski is the best-selling yoga teacher and renowned creator of Outlaw Yoga. Author. Artist. Adventurer. Take his class NOW at outlawyogaclub.com and www.youtube.com/outlawyoga. Find his writing and art at www.justinkaliszewski.com and his presence all over the internet – for an outlaw, he’s shockingly easy to get ahold of